Having Household Standards Is Not Abusive

By Marlys Kirkpatrick

January 4^th, 2023

Too many households are turning into fractured families due to children being turned against their parents. I have quite a few friends who are wonderful mothers, devoted to their children’s well-being, whose teenage daughters have left home citing “abuse.” 

One friend has a 17-year-old daughter who didn’t like her 11:00 p.m. curfew, so she moved out, with the help of her coworkers. 

Another friend has a no cell phone rule for her 14-year-old daughter. Her daughter was given a cell phone by her grandma and told to keep it a secret. When the mother found out and took the phone away, her daughter believed her grandma’s accusations that the mother was abusive for confiscating the phone, so she went to live with her grandma. 

My neighbor’s teenage daughters, who just started college, don’t want to come home for holiday breaks after reading trending books with their friends about victimization and abuse. They won’t talk to my neighbor, leaving her devastated and confused. 

Each case involves someone outside of the immediate household inserting themselves into the teen’s life (such as a family member, friend, or coworker), claiming to have the best interest of the teen at heart. In Matthew 7:15, Jesus warns us to “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” It is never in the best interest of a teenager to have anyone pit them against their mother. Proverbs 11:29 advises, “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.”

What these “well meaning” friends are actually doing is encouraging children to disregard the fifth commandment, which in Deuteronomy 5:16 guides us to “Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”

Teenagers are being hoodwinked into believing that a household with standards is “abusive.” Being able to recognize true abuse is essential. A mother who is treating her daughter in a manner intended to cause injury or damage is abusive, and needs immediate intervention. But a mother upholding the family rules of the home isn’t abusive—it’s being a good, loving, and attentive parent. 

Rules are sometimes viewed as a way to control teens, however, rules issued by Mom are in place to provide protection and guide the teen to obey the precepts governing our nation and biblical doctrine. Afterall, when temptation arises, Proverbs 22:6 is put to the test: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

When a teen is tempted to participate in an activity that goes against a mother’s rules, there is often someone waiting to help the teen go behind the mother’s back to enable the teen and/or cause strife. It doesn’t matter how close someone is to your family, there is no excuse in doing this, or giving teens gifts to be kept secret from Mom. These behaviors actually prime the teen for abuse. Our society promotes keeping secrets from our kids, but why? It only serves to facilitate the breakdown of the family unit. 

Parents, be aware of these deceptive practices:

• Anyone who goes behind a mother’s back to enable her daughter to participate in something opposed.
• Anyone who asks the teen to keep secrets from their mother.
• Anyone who buys the teen gifts without the mother’s approval.
• Anyone who takes the teen places without the mother’s knowledge.

People who participate in these behaviors interfere, not only in the mother’s relationship with her daughter, but in her job as a Mom. And yes, being a mom is a job—a blessed lifetime appointment. 

How do we strengthen our children against this type of deception? It begins with openly communicating with our kids, in a healthy and productive manner. This is the only way to protect them from the wolves looking to come in and steal them away with lies hidden through secrecy. We are raising a generation of kids who won’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, and it’s imperative for our youth to be able to have a functional relationship with their parents. 

Make time for just you and your daughter to connect. Tell her about what is going on in your life. Share with her why you have the standards you do and what shaped them. Ask her about herself, and her thoughts and opinions. Keep the lines of communication open. A great example of this type of communication is found in Deuteronomy 6:5-7 “And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

Don’t allow anyone to interfere with the standards you are using to rear your children. Whether it’s another family member outside of the household, a school friend, a neighbor, or coworker—if they are causing friction in the relationship between you and your teen, get rid of them! 

If your gut is telling you to be suspicious—if someone is being sneaky, untrustworthy, or outright working against you, as the parent, to create a wedge between you and your daughter—do everything you can to create distance between your daughter and this person. If it is a family member, do not leave them alone together, and limit their contact as much as possible. If it is a school friend, ask the school to change their classes, do not agree to playdates, switch schools, or homeschool, if possible. If it is a coworker, arrange for your daughter to work opposite shifts or help her find another job. Do all that you can to surround your daughter with those who support the standards you are teaching your daughter to uphold, the rules you established in your household, and with people who demonstrate respect for the special role you hold as Mom. 

The bottom line is that teens are still minors who need their parents as much as ever. These years are crucial for their development and preparation to live successful, independent lives as they grow and mature into adulthood. We need to do everything possible to help them, “…hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother.” Proverbs 1:8